Many times people have looked down on me. Some teachers saw me as feeble and timid. I was the guy who couldn’t play football; as if all ladies could play ‘ampe’, lol. All he could do was jump the skipping rope with the ladies. So I had few friends. I don’t know what these few saw in me; may be something I didn’t see. Most of the few were ladies though.
I wanted to fit in so badly and I think my parents saw the need to help me meet the standard requirements of a young Ghanaian lad. So my dad got me all the football boots and jerseys. I could hardly walk in them but if I wanted to be a man, I had to play football in those. I remember once, the area football team couldn’t find me useful on the pitch so I was put in the goal post to satisfy my father. The shots were directed to hurt me. They didn’t want to score; they wanted to prove that I wasn’t ‘man’ enough to play football. May be they were right; that is if football was the definition for manhood.
I was interested in other things! I wanted to read novels and write short stories and sing. I wanted to speak to my imaginary audience in my single cast stage play and pretend to cry and laugh and be hilarious simultaneously. That gave me peace but to them it was weak and girlish. So if I was alone, I wasn’t playing FIFA or Play station. I was reading a story book or busily cooking up a story which made sense to me alone. – And that was out of the ordinary for a young Ashanti boy staying at Atonsu where all the boys belonged to one backyard football team or the other. I struggled to be me until everyone gave up trying to ‘fix’ me.
-And then the attention was drawn to my voice. Won’t it ever break? It was so thin and soft for a young man. It betrayed my masculine legs and ‘aortic’ arms. –and my gestures, they were slow and lady-like. People had their doubts, sometimes, whether I was really straight! A few could boldly ask me. When I go like “Yes please I’m straight, I just had a lot of female friends when growing up” they also go like “oh okay”. -Like I cared whether they believed me or not. I didn’t owe anyone anything!
It took some time to understand my position in Christ. I was always despising myself. I would say, “if only I could play football or speak a bit hoarsely, or may be stink a bit or be a bit profane. Then I could be accepted by all as manly. Now I sit here, and I don’t care what anyone thinks or who accepts or rejects me. I am who God says I am and His acceptance alone is enough. His love alone is complete. He is my definition. When he looks at me he sees a son. I’m no more the insecure gentleman. I’m a man showing forth His praise. I’m a man touching lives and bringing lost souls to the saving knowledge of the father. In Christ Jesus, thin voices also win souls. They can preach, and sing and do poetry. Feeble hands can flip Bible pages and heal and write and inspire. Now some legs were not meant for football but the pulpit. Some eyes were meant for something greater than pitches – visions. Now tell me, what is more manly than having the grace and courage to be in the master’s will?
You might be longing for acceptance. You want God to change you so that someone can like you or probably love you. May be society says you’re not so intelligent, or you have achieved nothing or you’re just ‘not man enough!’ For the one in Christ, you definition is Christ. You are who God calls you. You might have been abused, maltreated or made to think you are a dummy. No you are not! You are a son of God. –and a son, I mean God is your father. You have some weaknesses? Talk to him about it. Don’t let them weigh you down! When He is your best friend, you don’t care who despises you. It’s their loss. God is for you even when everyone is against you. Mostly they don’t see what God is doing with you so they try to help him by bringing you to what they think is ‘normal’, when God is working supernatural things. You are hidden in Christ. In him you live and move and have your being. He loves you even before you love Him back. So why don’t you rest in Him and let him work in you?
I know God is not done with me yet because I’m on my way to meet my beloved; a godly woman who emanates Christ and radiates his essence. I’ve not see her face yet, but I’ve seen her heart; a heart of gold. Her mind is crystal. Her faithfulness is enveloping. I will keep on confessing until I meet her. –and she will love me for who God made me.
God’s love begins before their hate had conception…
My name is Son, Son of God! God made me; he looked at me and said “IT IS GOOD”.
© Phelyks Kwabena Agyemang 2017